One of the most interesting phenomenons I've witnessed in dealing with human sexuality is the ability of people to train themselves into having an orgasm. Any one who has ever masturbated has engaged in a selftraining program which has taught them how to orgasm. Before we talk about female training, I'll give you an example from male sexuality.
I worked with a male once who was a regular masturbator. During masturbation, he fantasized about having his partner bent over the edge of a couch and engaging in rear penetration, not anal sex. For months he used this same fantasy to help him reach orgasm during masturbation. This affected his sex life. When he was having sex with his partner, he found that he was losing his erection and finding it difficult to climax in any other position. The only way he was able to reach orgasm during actual sex was by imitating what he had been doing in his masturbation fantasies.
Essentially, he had trained himself about how to get off. Men are not the only ones who train themselves. In fact, the training men do usually does not interfere with their ability to reach an orgasm during actual intercourse. With women, it's different. Women train themselves in two ways. First, they train themselves to reach orgasm using specific techniques. Second, they train themselves for each orgasm using certain fantasies. Let's talk about both of these.
When women begin masturbating, they do tend to try multiple ways of accomplishing the goal. Once they find something that works then they stick to it. Let me give you an example. One woman I worked with had been masturbating with a vibrator for about ten years. She had to use the same vibrator every time because she claimed no other vibrator could bring her to orgasm. With sexual partners, she would fake orgasm then excuse herself to the bathroom where she would reach a real orgasm using her vibrator. After a decade of relying on the same toy and the same technique to reach orgasm, this young woman had taught her body how to have an orgasm.
Since her partner's penis was not her vibrator, it was not capable of doing the job. To his credit, he did try a variety of things to help her but the problem really wasn't his alone to fix. She had to re-train her body. The second method of training often begins even before a woman ever masturbates. As soon as girls begin fantasizing about men, they are beginning to train their bodies about how to reach orgasm. I have another example to share which illustrates this fact as well. A woman I worked with had been relying on the same fantasies during masturbation for almost two decades. Her preference were rape fantasies in which she was the victim and was non-violently coerced into having intercourse with multiple partners.
The fantasies involved different scenarios, locations, and men but the basics were all the same. Even when she tried to have other fantasies, they would always end up deteriorating into a rape fantasy before she was able to orgasm. The only time she was able to reach an orgasm with her husband was when they attempted to act out her fantasy. Like the other woman, she had to re-train her mind about what turned her on and what would lead her to an orgasm.
The reason I'm sharing these stories with you is because orgasm training is one of the biggest, yet most often unrecognized, reasons for women's difficulties in reaching an orgasm. The only way to break free of that old training is through experimentation. The more the two of you try different things the more likely she is to find something else that can help her climax.
What You Need to Remember
Keep in mind as you read the next two chapters that there are a number of reasons why women may have more difficulty reaching an orgasm than men will. Those reasons include social pressures not to enjoy sex, a lack of trust in the relationship, anatomical differences between men and women, and limited orgasm training.
Understanding what may be hampering your sexual relationship will help you determine the best course of action to take in order to enjoy mutually satisfying sex.
Female Orgasm and Foreplay
For men who want to please their partners, foreplay is not optional. I make that point because I've worked with lots of men who hated foreplay and just wanted to get down to business without realizing that foreplay has an important role in female orgasm. I've also worked with men who enjoy foreplay just as much as the women in their lives. What's important to realize is that foreplay should be about what makes her feel good because at this point you're probably already in a state of arousal. She is probably not at that point yet.
In this we're first going to discuss the female sexual arousal cycle and compare it to yours. Then, we'll look at some types of foreplay which you can try with your partner in order to help her become physically and psychologically ready to orgasm.
Gabrielle Moore is author of the best-selling book The Female Ejaculation Revealed, a manual that helps men please their female partners with an orgasm every time. For more information, go to: http://www.femaleorgasmrevealed.com/femaleorgasm/
